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I too would like to know how you have been in this relationship. If it has been around a year or less I think there is still time to if progress can be made. If it has been a longer term relationship already then it might be time to tell her you her but the suspected shame on her part is hurting you too much. If she is say mid-30's or older and has had a number of relationships with women this be a pattern that is unlikely to change. However, if she is still fairly and/or hasn't had other relationships with women she just need some more time. I haven't had any "closeted" girlfriends since I was in my late teens and early 20's until now somewhat My experience with the closeted GF's back in the day was that they eventually left me for ex boyfriends they couldn't stand the pressure after a while and had to conform for their family and look 'normal'. My current GF has been out in ways for a time. However, she informed me early on that I never meet her father. Apparently he attempted to have her locked up and "fixed" in the past when she introduced a GF to him. There are layers of her being in or out of the closet depending on who is around or what the scene is. Initially, and periodiy, I wonder if she is ashamed of me. Talking with her and truly hearing her has helped. She doesn't want me to have to be exposed to the toxicity of her family. I guess my advice is to figure out how to talk to her about other ways she can be out and how she can "show" you she is not ashamed and ways that she deal with this in the run (therapy etc). If she is adament about nothing changing ever you might need to leave for your sake and for hers (perhaps you leaving her be the consequence she needs to actually get out of the closet). If you can have regular communication and assurance of the overall stability and incremental changes then maybe it is worth it. Bummer that you are in this situation. Keep talking to people. Whatever has given you the pride to be out thus far hold on to that
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